Wednesday, May 16, 2012

I am Strong for Me

The reason I started running was to be a good influence on my girls.  I wanted to show Bridget and Gabbie that being healthy and active is fun.  Falling in love with my new life has just been an added bonus.

I was 27 years old when I started this new journey in my life.  I spent 27 years of my life not knowing what I wanted to be nor knowing who I was.  Sure I graduated college, met my husband, and had two beautiful babies.  But in 2007, I couldn't see my future.  Yes, I was happy with my family.

But, I hated me.  I hated my job.  I hated my body.  I hated my hobbies.  Outside my immediate family, I didn't know how to be happy.  What would happen if I lost that, I would be miserable.  And when I was alone, I was miserable.  How could I be happy when I felt lost.

When my brother lived next door to me, we had a lot of conversations about life.  He was a college football coach before alcoholism ruined it for him.  All he knew his whole life was he loved football.  When that was over, he wondered what he had left besides his family.  He always told me how lucky I was to have my life, and I looked at him and said....No, I know exactly how you feel.

I hated my future.  I had no career goals and that is something I always dreamed of.  At that time, I did have running and my new healthy lifestyle.  But, in my heart, I knew running wasn't going to complete me.  Every time I got injured or had to take time off, I would go into a depression.  Realistically, I couldn't rely on running to make me happy because I was already in my 30's.  The PR's would slow down and my body would too.

My brother made me realize that I needed to take control of my life and go back to school.  He left Massachusetts in July 2010 and I spent that first week researching PT programs and now almost 2 years later, I finished another semester of prerequisites.

Finally, I see my future.  Finally, I love everything about me.  Finally, I am the mother for my girls that they deserve.

  • I am a mother.
  • I am a wife.
  • I am a runner.
  • I am a sister.
  • I will become a Physical Therapist.
  • I will run 100 marathons.
  • I will complete an Ironman.

Unfortunately, not everything is perfect and days like today bring me back down from my excitement for the future.  Addiction has controlled my family for the past 2 years and it has continued to throw its demons at us.  I received an email today from a family member who is very far into an addiction and I can only dream of the day she will be set free.  Fortunately, this person is making me stronger even though she has a hard time wishing happiness upon me.  I will not let this person's ill will bring me down.  I know the person who speaks to me is not the real person that I love and I can only hope that my constant reminders that I am here to help when she is ready will one day save her.  Until then, I will remind myself that taking care of my husband, girls, and myself is my number one priority.  I am not being selfish by putting us first even if I feel guilty.


krissy murphy said...

Much love

krissy murphy said...

The thing posted before I was done! Anyway, yes, much love to you and your family. This post couldn't have come at a better time - though our situations are different, I am feeling the way you did at the beginning of this post...I know that it'll be hard but it'll definitely be worth making some sacrifices to get to that good point...

Jolene said...

You sound so at peace and grounded in where you are in life right now. I can tell that it's been quite a journey for you and your family (as evidenced by what you say at the end of your post, so sorry to hear that, but your support, even from afar, is a blessing to them!), but you are a fighter and a conquerer in every way!! I loved reading this.

Laura said...

Beautifully written, Robin! I'm so glad you've found a journey for yourself that has given you contentment and joy... so sorry that there are still family issues to deal with. But you are strong, beyond your running strength! That is obvious. :)

{lifeasa}RunningMom said...

Awesome post and you are a very strong woman and a great mom. Your future will be bright!

Jess said...

you are so strong and so inspiring and uplifting. this was a great view into the essence of who you are as a person. love it.