I was 27 years old when I started this new journey in my life. I spent 27 years of my life not knowing what I wanted to be nor knowing who I was. Sure I graduated college, met my husband, and had two beautiful babies. But in 2007, I couldn't see my future. Yes, I was happy with my family.
But, I hated me. I hated my job. I hated my body. I hated my hobbies. Outside my immediate family, I didn't know how to be happy. What would happen if I lost that, I would be miserable. And when I was alone, I was miserable. How could I be happy when I felt lost.
When my brother lived next door to me, we had a lot of conversations about life. He was a college football coach before alcoholism ruined it for him. All he knew his whole life was he loved football. When that was over, he wondered what he had left besides his family. He always told me how lucky I was to have my life, and I looked at him and said....No, I know exactly how you feel.
I hated my future. I had no career goals and that is something I always dreamed of. At that time, I did have running and my new healthy lifestyle. But, in my heart, I knew running wasn't going to complete me. Every time I got injured or had to take time off, I would go into a depression. Realistically, I couldn't rely on running to make me happy because I was already in my 30's. The PR's would slow down and my body would too.
My brother made me realize that I needed to take control of my life and go back to school. He left Massachusetts in July 2010 and I spent that first week researching PT programs and now almost 2 years later, I finished another semester of prerequisites.
Finally, I see my future. Finally, I love everything about me. Finally, I am the mother for my girls that they deserve.
- I am a mother.
- I am a wife.
- I am a runner.
- I am a sister.
- I will become a Physical Therapist.
- I will run 100 marathons.
- I will complete an Ironman.
Unfortunately, not everything is perfect and days like today bring me back down from my excitement for the future. Addiction has controlled my family for the past 2 years and it has continued to throw its demons at us. I received an email today from a family member who is very far into an addiction and I can only dream of the day she will be set free. Fortunately, this person is making me stronger even though she has a hard time wishing happiness upon me. I will not let this person's ill will bring me down. I know the person who speaks to me is not the real person that I love and I can only hope that my constant reminders that I am here to help when she is ready will one day save her. Until then, I will remind myself that taking care of my husband, girls, and myself is my number one priority. I am not being selfish by putting us first even if I feel guilty.